New Year’s Resolutions: How to make ‘em so you keep ‘em.

First, let’s demystify them. A New Year’s Resolution is nothing more than a commitment made at the end of the year. The only difference is that instead of making it to someone else you’re making it to yourself.

If you’ve had a hard time keeping Resolutions in the past take a long, hard look at how you keep personal commitments to yourself throughout the rest of the year. When only you and your bathroom mirror know about it do you keep your promises in a responsible fashion or do you find yourself re-negotiating, back-pedaling and making excuses? Read more

Women Make Passes at Guys Who are Asses

This is it. The deep, dark secret that all women deny. We don’t want nice men.

We won’t tolerate them unless they’re related to us by blood or interviewing us for a job. Sure, they can buy us dinner every once in a while. But we don’t want to date them, sleep with them, or marry them. We say we do. We bemoan the fact to anyone who’ll listen that there are no “good guys” out there; that all men are animals, slobs or inconsiderate jerks. We say we’d take ten years off our lives to find a decent, kind honorable man.

We’re lying.

Why? Because we don’t like to admit that we willingly take shit in the name of love. It’s embarrassing and demeaning. We wonder what it says about our self-esteem that we stick with a guy who treats us badly. What would our mothers think?
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Four Easy Ways to De-Stress Your Holidays

We talk a lot about Holidays being stressful. But let’s think about this. It’s not every Holiday, is it? No matter how many wieners or burgers you grill; no matter how many tons of potato salad you make we don’t think about July 4th as being stress-inducing. Or Labor Day, Valentine’s Day or Memorial Day. So why is it that our expectations are that Thanksgiving, Christmas or Chanukah Holidays are inherently stressful?

The key lies in the word “expectations. The media, our own rose-tinted childhood memories and our deep-seated wishes for Hallmark Christmas set us up. We all want a magical time of warmth and togetherness with our loving and supportive family. Unfortunately the reality is often much different. Thanksgiving sets the tone when the whole motley crew you are sometimes mortified to call family congregates. Uncle Al won’t sit next to Auntie Jean because of a grudge forged when God was a boy. You’re presented with 14 different dietary requirements that nobody thought to tell you about sooner.
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5 Biggest Myths About Meditation

1. It’s relaxing.

This is a dangerous myth because people expect meditation to be like slipping into a hot tub. When they experience discomfort they think it’s not working or they’re not doing it right and they give up. In fact, it’s often not relaxing, at least not initially. In the beginning meditation is like exercise; if it doesn’t hurt you’re not doing it right. This puts off a lot of people right from the start.

They’ve taken the odd Yoga class where you lie on the floor, close your eyes and let your poor body rest. Everybody loves this. You’ve been moving for an hour, your limbs are stretched every which way and you relish the opportunity to let gravity take your muscles and let them drop.

Conventional sitting meditation may become like this over time but it probably won’t be right off the bat. When you sit down and face a wall or close your eyes and there’s nothing between you and the timer but your incessantly jabbering monkey mind it’s anything but relaxing. Horrifying and sobering are two more appropriate words that come to mind. Relaxing it ain’t.

2. You need time to meditate. Read more

The Last Taboo

I discovered the last taboo quite by accident. I call it the 78 year conversation. 78 because, last time I checked, that was the average life span.

I had gone to a Zen Center to learn meditation. The idea of sitting down everyday for a time in peace and stillness appealed to me. How hard could it be? I could be contemplative at times. I could sit by myself quite happily watching the sun go down. Especially if I had someone with me to share it with.

We were led into a small room and told to take off our shoes and sit on meditation cushions. Our instructor told us we were to close our eyes and breathe slowly and purposefully in and out. We should try to clear out minds of any thoughts. If a rogue thought did enter our mind we should acknowledge it but not attach ourselves to it. Read more

A Bodishattva Never Hesitates

He was in his sixties - out of shape, but not too out of shape that he couldn’t cradle a large, limp dog in his arms. I was coming off the dog beach near my house and he was just stepping on to it.

The dog’s head hung over one arm. There was a towel, in case of spills, underneath him.

“Bringing your baby to the beach?” I asked sympathetically.

“It’s his last day,” the man replied. Read more

Spam as Spiritual Practice

They come to me daily. They are as predictable as waves, As plentiful as rain. They are spam and as far as I know there is no singular form for the word.

They are the first thing I see when I start my workday. Most prevalent and creative are the exhortations for organ enhancements. Ah, had I a penis I doubt that I would send money across the internet to a snake oil cybersalesman. But – some poor soul obviously does.

Next come the offers of cheap Canadian drugs followed closely by the demands to re-fi my non-existent house regardless of whether I actually have any means of income. (No credit. No job. No problem!). Then - the off-market softwares, the porn, and once, inexplicably, a dating service intended exclusively for Christian singles.

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The Optimum Mind is Flexible

I see the flag move in the wind. Is it the flag that moves or the wind that moves.

It is the mind that moves.

Whenever I want to give myself a kick in the rear about getting stuck in patterns of reaction I think about Bert Waninger. In fact, I think about him anyway every couple of years.

Bert was a quiet, gentlemanly guy with manners from another era. He was brought up in Austria and his parents taught him Old World ways and values which he brought with him to Los Angeles. Some played well; some didn’t.

He had a strongly-developed sense of justice which he usually served up with a side order of grievance and moral absolutism. We kidded him to his face about being a Pollyanna.

He had a hard time getting girls and I used to give him dating advice. Put yourself out there. They won’t come to you. Knowing in my heart that he came across as just too good. He was an ambassador from another time.

Time passed and I lost touch with him until I opened the newspaper one morning and saw his name on the front page of the Metro section. There had been a spate of “Follow-home” robberies that year and apparently some thugs had followed him to his house and demanded the keys to his car when he got out.

Bert refused and they shot him in the head and left him to bleed to death like roadkill in his own driveway.

The article went on to interview his neighbors who all commented on how shocked they were that he had taken a stand because he was such a quiet, gentle guy. He must have really loved that car, they said.

Some how it made things sadder when I read that the car he was desperately protecting was the same Mercedes he had had when I had known him several years earlier and it wasn’t new then.

But I think I knew why he refused. It wasn’t the car. He was always too careful to drive uninsured, anyway. It was the fact that what these punks were doing was wrong and immoral. You didn’t just walk up to someone and put a gun to their heads and demand their stuff. And he couldn’t get past that.

So, I thought, that’s why he died. Because the world wasn’t fair and wasn’t right. And he couldn’t accept that and get on with the business of living. Couldn’t move away from the sense of justice instilled in him so many years ago. So he died protecting six cylinders and a fancy hood ornament.

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How to beat the home-based business burn-out blues

I went to visit a friend who had quit the corporate world to start his own art-based business. This was a guy who wore, if not a suit, at least a tie and jacket to work every day for a decade.

All the curtains in his house were drawn and his bed was littered with color samples, catalogs and all the assorted detritus of a home-based business. With his unshaven face and sunken eyes, he bore a frightening resemblance to Tom Hanks in “Castaway”. He leaned over and, with a wild glint in his eye, whispered “I haven’t taken a shower in three days.” That close to him it wasn’t difficult to believe but I couldn’t figure out why he felt the need to tell me.

A couple of years later I got it when I too had swapped working for the man for the pleasantly unstructured life of a home-based entrepreneur. I was on my way to a Networking luncheon and slipped on some dress shoes only to find that my feet had apparently grown two sizes. My sneakers and my fluffy slippers fit just fine but they didn’t go with my little black suit. I understood then that his confession had been more than a need to share his personal hygiene issues with me. He felt compelled to share the horror of what he was becoming.

At some point every back bedroom start-up entrepreneur has an epiphany that they might be a little too far gone along the go-it-alone continuum. For me it was the shoes. For my friend it was the orange water pouring out of his groaning shower head when he finally found a reason to shower.

If you’re just starting out with a home-based business and still euphoric over working in your p.j’s – be aware that there is a dark side. One day you, too, may run slap up against a moment of clarity when you see your formerly civilized life sliding away over the horizon; a moment when you realize that you may have taken the ball and run with it just a little too far.

There’s so much to do in setting up and maintaining a business. And, mindful of the fact that 80% of all small businesses fail in the first year, you’re probably anxious to do as much as you can as fast as you can in order to start bringing home the goods.

There are several balances to be worked out – all of them tricky. When do you outsource and when do you do it yourself? How much can you work and still have a life and a family at the end of it? What do you absolutely have to do first and what can wait?

There are many excellent books and articles on what to do to set up your business. This isn’t one of them. This is about how to be as you do those things. How to be kind to yourself. How to be available to your family and friends and enjoy life even amid the uncertainty and stress of creating your dream from scratch.

After all, your life isn’t wallpaper to your daily struggle. It goes on whether you pay attention to it or not.

So here are a couple of tips to keep you present and focused. Six things you can do to avoid singing the Home-Based Burnout Blues.

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Three Absolutely Essential Questions You Should Ask Yourself Before You Retire

By now, everyone knows the statistics. 10,000 Baby Boomers retire in the U.S. alone each day. Many of us will spend more time in the Retirement stage of life than in young adulthood, adolescence and childhood combined. We will also spend much of that time in good mental and physical health because of scientific and technological advances.

All indicators are that modern Retirement is a powerful life transition and can be the doorway to the most creative, enjoyable time of our lives.

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